Now that I’ve cleared my head and gotten some rest, I think I’m ready to admit a few things, and be completely frank about my experience. This is my testimony, and like any testimonies, please take it seriously because I had to overcome my shame to share it with you guys on my blog. But I figured, who knows? Maybe someone’ll learn from my mistakes.

So here we go:

• I went to TECBC this year seeking a spiritual high, as foolish as that sounds.
• I arrived to TECBC this year scared and filled with expectations, because TECBC ‘06 had been the catalyst that truly triggered my spiritual walk.
• But I ended up leaving TECBC wiser, less foolish, and just filled with the deepest feeling of serenity and spiritual intimacy that I ALMOST overlooked because I was seeking the wrong thing.

In all honesty, before TECBC, I felt like I was looking for more. THIRSTING for more. Hence the desire for a spiritual high, because I just want the old rush of faith to fill me up again. I just had this sense that I was missing something. I’ve been so consumed with studying for the APs and all the petty organizational aspect of Seekers (my fault and not anybody else’s) that I’ve been putting my faith on the side, because I unwisely thought that I can just pick it up again at any time. But of course, I was wrong, and I ended up just feeling kind of empty and hypocritical, giving God the glory only on Sundays and club days but not every single day like I know I’m supposed to do. And of course, once I was actually at TECBC, it becomes apparent to me that a spiritual high is not the answer; if anything, I don’t want that. With every high comes a low, and that’s definitely not going to help in my walk with Christ.

When I boarded that bus for Camp Mariah, I was just so excited and giddy in a way, because I felt like I was on a mission: must reconnect with God!!! And I guess I did achieve that, but in a much different way than I thought I would — but, uh, that’s for later. So yeah, I went with high expectations, happy that some of the Christian brothers and sisters that I know are going, too, and just really restless, I suppose. I spent the first night unable to fall into a deep sleep, because I was just bursting with anticipation and for all the wrong reasons.

On Saturday during the session with Pastor Hoon, I was pierced with the first arrow of wisdom: “Christianity is NOT a religion; it’s a relationship with God”. When he said that, I was just struck dumb; I couldn’t believe it. It’s been the answer I’ve been searching all along, and I felt so stupid for not realizing it before he pointed it out. Ever since a friend of mine questioned religion in philosophy class, I’ve been feeling really uneasy and unsure, because I couldn’t really come up with a good enough answer to thwart the assertions made, and I felt like all the philosophical rationales and opinions of my classmates were just clouding up my faith. And I was even more reassured when Pastor Hoon said that there is NO separation between ourselves and God, and that we’re like children who wants to let go of God’s hand but He won’t let us.

The second session had a much more serious note and it ended with an extended time for prayer. Specifically, asking God to forgive us for our sins, to cleanse us. It’s the sort of opportunity for a “spiritual high” that I was looking for, so I jumped into it headfirst, praising Him and beseeching Him, my forehead creased in concentration. And…honestly, I did not feel a lot. Sure, I felt some pangs in my heart, but I think that was more my doing than God’s. I was just SO ridiculously eager to feel something that I ended up feeling immensely disappointed when I felt nothing. I felt like I was defected in a way. What’s wrong with me that I can’t even feel God working in me anymore? Eventually, though, I managed to shake off the bitterness in my heart and push it aside for the rest of the night, focusing instead of fellowshipping and thinking that “oh, it’s not over yet; there’s still the late-night prayer tomorrow.”

Sunday comes and I wake up with the first seeds of discouragement. But I put on a smile anyway and hope for the best, because I was still dead sure that God would perform a miracle on me that night. As it turns out, I learned a lot on Sunday afternoon, more than I did on Saturday even though Sat. was also informative. I snagged the last spot on the workshop “JC in the OT” (Jesus Christ in the Old Testament), and boy am I glad that I went. During the workshop, I realize how ignorant I was of the Bible. I was starting to wonder whether I should have bought The Complete Idiot’s Guide to the Bible, which is pretty sad considering that I’m the president of my school’s Christian club. Yeah. Definitely an ego-crusher, and strangely I couldn’t be more glad of it.

But quickly, everything went a little bit downhill after that. The former glamor of TECBC faded a little as the social activity dragged on, and I spent most of my free time on the phone with my family and reflecting my stay at TECBC thus far. Oh, and I guess the last straw was when a spider dropped on my shoulder after I got out of the shower. After that I was just in a pretty sour mood. I felt inadequate and disappointed with myself over what happened on Saturday night, sick and tired of having to look out for bugs, and just really cranky overall. I even considered forgoing late-night prayer, which would have been the stupidest decision of my life if I’d have gone through with it.

Yeah, talk about the devil trying to sabotage my time at TECBC.

Thankfully, things looked up a bit as session four rolled around, and I witnessed the glory of God in others. Pastor Hoon called for those who want to pursue ministry, and it was just beautiful how everyone laid a hand on those people and prayed for them. I think it was then that my eyes opened up to how selfish I’ve been during the retreat so far, always concerned with how come I’m not being moved or whatever. And then one of my roommates really opened up during the discussion time, and her words really touched and inspired me as well. For the first time in the retreat, I wasn’t thinking of how I wanted to recharge my spiritual battery, but I was actually getting more joy and compassion out of just listening to people and praying for them. Furthermore, the late-night prayer really built on that, because the miracle I’ve been asking for from God did happen that night…except not in the way I thought it would. For one thing, it was way more subtle than bawling like a baby and being filled with godly conviction, but far more powerful somehow. It was totally strange, but I felt like I could feel His presence there when I prayed with fellow brothers and sisters from OCM. The air was palpable with a sense of quiet energy; the kind of atmosphere you get when confessions are made, brotherhoods and sisterhoods are deepened, and the Lord is everywhere all at once, calming our hearts and listening to our prayers.

Yes, I expected TECBC with the wrong goal in mind. Yes, I arrived at TECBC with the type of expectations that can actually ruin a retreat experience. But God, merciful and wise God, let me stumble and make my own realizations before imbuing me with a sense of what I really need, not what I want. And what I really needed was for Him to take away that restlessness in my heart, that lost seeking for the wrong thing, and instilled a deep, purifying peace in my heart and soul so that the trivial stuff doesn’t get in the way of my relationship with Him again. I left TECBC with a deep sense of calm and a true yearning to learn more about Him. I can now truly say that I love Him from the bottom of my heart, because now I understand. I no longer questioned the validity of the Holy Spirit within me, I no longer test God by asking Him to give me “signs,” because I finally, finally feel in tune with the Holy Spirit inside. And TECBC ‘08 has blessed me with opportunities to deepen my Christian bond with fellow sisters in Christ. It gave me the chance to get closer and actually really, truly pray with sisters from OCM whom I never ventured beyond small talk with. And this morning when I checked my e-mail account and got the most inspiring and heartfelt surprise from a sister in Christ, it just encouraged me even more and let me know that God is the one who really knows what I need. That I should stop turning my ear away from His Holy Spirit and using my own foolish, human rationale in my life.

All I can say is thank you, Lord, for never giving up on me. Thank you, Lord, for not letting go of my hand. Thank you.